Windfall.

Real life conversation between me and my husband:

Me: "That's it! We are buying a lottery ticket. I am ready to win the lottery now. Let's play. $5. Tonight."
Matt: "Yes! It's time.  Let's win the lottery!"
Me: "Then we could enroll the kids in the BEST schools in Cincinnati and buy the Range Rover that I've decided I want. It's $140k to get it fully loaded and 90k for standard but I feel like we should go all out if we're going to get one."
Matt: "Definitely.  Let's go big or go home."
Me: "Where should we go on our first vacation?"
Matt: "Not sure, what do you think?"
Me: "Let's do a Disney Cruise for the kids over Spring break first. I mean, it's naïve, but it will be fun for them.
Matt:  "Yes. The kids are going to love that!"
Me: "And then you and I will fly to Italy for a week."
Matt: "Sounds Perfect."
Me: "Wait. No. I just... you know... I can't fly."
Matt: "You can fly to Italy!"
Me: "Not since I've won the lottery.  Because I feel like every time I fly, I am going to die because I have all this money that I didn't earn. I don't deserve the money so I'm going to die.  It's terrifying."
Matt:  "But we're doing charitable things. We're rebuilding the church and we DID donate the youth football field."
Me: "I know but I have a fancy Mink coat now and all these diamonds. I'm not DOING ENOUGH! I'm so selfish and for goodness sakes', I shop ALL day long."
Matt: "You're right. This money has gone straight to our heads!"
Me: "I know. It's ruining us.  This money is going to tear this family right apart!?  We have to do something!"
Matt: "As soon as we buy those tickets tonight, we are going to rip them up immediately so that it can never destroy us."
Me: "That's perfect."

The Mural experiment...

Matt and I are doing an art room in an extra room at our house. We decided to let the kids make a mural for the wall. The Project was "Draw what makes you happy".
The results:

Ethan aka The Brain: He drew a book and from the book comes the things he likes: A dinosaur, a volcano, his new glasses, his family, himself, art, and musical notes. 

Alivia aka The Heart: She drew a rainbow and descried it as her brain. She drew love birds, stars, herself, the sun, the names of her family, a computer, an umbrella, a dog, an hourglass, and a musical note.

Maddox aka We're unsure so far but leaning toward right wing nut job: He sat for half an hour before he would start. He watched everyone else get a head start and copied the things other people had: a rainbow, a volcano, the names of his family... and then he added a person on fire...so I don't know what's up with that. I should probably spend more time with him.

Mason aka The Show Off: He drew a picture of himself as a King in a castle and he listed his family members underneath in a way that I'm interpreting that we are his peasants.

 Ella aka The Baby: She drew people and lots of "words" and changed whom the people were each time I asked her. She gets a pass because she's cute!!

 

An artistic psychological experiment with our children because who better to experiment on than your children. 

 

The End of an Era.

I was not emotionally prepared to say goodbye to Seth Meyers on SNL yet. I sobbed and when Matt looked at me like I was insane, I told him, in between sobs, that he was seeing .0001% of what will happen to me when John Goodman dies.

Seth Meyers = Funny Man in picture box

 

 

I don't know what my attachment is to John Goodman but I'm irrationally afraid of his death. I don't want to live in a world without John Goodman. 

 



 

 

 

It's a PARTY! Mom!

Mason: "Moooooom! MOM! Mo-o-o-o-m! We HAVE to go this party at this place! I just heard about it and Mom! We have to go today!"
Me: "What party? What?"
Mason: "it's a...it's a GRAND OPENING!"
Me: "Where did you hear about this?"
Mason: "It's on the radio RIGHT NOW and Its at the new (Blah Blah) store and if we go, we get a free TV and a free OIL CHANGE! We have to go before 2 O'Clock! We have to to. It's going to be the best day of my life!"
Poor kid. I'm about to crush his free oil change dreams.

Seriously!? Get OUT!

I'm trying to avoid the walk of shame and this girl will not leave the bathroom mirror where she was doing her make-up during the worst bathroom concert I have ever given! Seriously get out so I don't have to look you in your eye while I wash my hands! It's been 15 min and I'm trapped! How much make-up does she need?! Get OUT!

And then there's this.

One of the things I always wanted to do but sadly never will is join the Army.
The Dream:  I'm a complete bad ass on the front lines.  I have a gun, but am an excellent H2H combat fighter.   I'm both a sniper and a helicopter pilot and I'm always wearing aviators.  That's the dream.

Reality: I would hear a gun shot and start screaming hysterically and crying and freaking out and the Army would send me home with a note pinned to my shirt that said 'Thanks for trying out'... Just like 7th grade Volleyball.

The Clean Plate Club.

Ah... it's New Years week and Sauerkraut is in the air. 

 

When I was a kid, my Mom was CRAZY about finishing our plate. We heard about starving kids from China, Africa, Bosnia, Planet Zorg, wherever. We MUST finish what we were served. When I was 4, my mom served me Sauerkraut on New Years. 

 

Immediately upon smelling it, my nose hairs inflamed and burned off and I refused to eat it. I can remember ...we had bright orange 80's curtains. I remember because I got to stare at them for hours as I was 'not allowed to leave the table until my bowl was empty.' You have to understand how serious this rule was. My Mom told me that the Janitor at Kindergarten WAS PAID to watch me eat the vegetables she packed. To this day, I'm uncomfortable around custodians. I never went to recess after lunch and halfway through the year, the teacher wrote a note to my Mom that I had no friends because I wouldn't leave the lunch table. 

 

It may appear that I'm a normal, smiling, happy 6 year old, but that's just because of my very cool neon puffy paint suspender outfit... I'm really dying inside as I feel trapped by the Janitor and unable to enjoy recess as a normal Kindergartener. 

 

When she asked me about why I had no friends and why I wouldn't go to recess, I cried and said 'The janitor watches me and I can't finish my carrot sticks' She backed up her wicked stance on The Clean Plate Club. But this was pre-lonely-lunch-table-kindergartener and it was on. Me VS the single worst imaginable substance for a child to be forced to eat. After 2 hours of staring at Orange curtains, I was hit with the perfect stroke of genius. I took my spoon and filled it with sauerkraut and launched it at the ceiling. It stuck! VICTORY. In about 4 minutes, the entire ceiling, and I'll admit my aim was off, the walls, the appliances, and the ugly orange curtains were filled with sauerkraut. And my bowl was empty! It was more fun than I had imagined so I just took handfuls out of the pan and kept up with my German heritage celebration. I will never forget my Moms face when it finally wafted to the living room and she came in and saw what I had done.

 

A real life dramatization of my Mom during pretty true events that I remember kinda well as a 4 year old child.

 

 

  I don't mean to imply that her head spun completely around, but when I was first watched the exorcist, I was the least scared person in the room. I spent New Years 1989 NOT looking forward to the end of the cold war, but instead cleaning up sauerkraut off the walls. Hail to the Victor though, she never made that crap again!