Netflix has decided that I'm a Lesbian.

I don't even know...

Things I shouldn't say.

I once worked with a douchebag banker who said that men were like a good investment because they became more distinguished and more valuable with time. And women were like a bad stock - the minute you bought them, they would plummet in worth. Ugh.  Eff you, banker man. I still distrust a man in a peacoat to this day over that conversation.  I sincerely hope he got married and his new wife ceased all BJs immediately.

I went through my midlife crisis when I turned 23. That will surprise many of you but turning 23 was hard for me.  I remember laying in bed for a week with the shades drawn shut and leaving a super depressing voicemail greeting that made people stop by and check on me. I always appreciated my youth and started mourning it even at 15 years old. 

But now, I'm 30. And F%*# it!   That's what Matt has called this past year for me, 'The-F%*#-it-I'm-30' year.  I really grew a pair in recent months and it's been nice to finally say the things that piss me off that I've hidden behind pleasantries for years before.  And...there was a lot I needed to say.

All off this cumulated in me starting a book called 'Things I shouldn't say'.   That's a working title, mind you, but it's pretty much accurate so far.  And everyone is a little frightened by what the book will say.  Only 2 people have read my first few chapters. One is my husband, who loves my writing and has always encouraged me but  I can clearly see veiled concerned about his mother learning about MY first traumatic tampon experience.  And there's a really awesome girl at work that I love, named Missy, who has read it.  And her only advice was to think of more creative synonyms to express the sentiment of a boner.  So far, things are going pretty well. 

Writing has always been path since my 'sad teenage girl poem' days. (Remember those guys!? Shoot me, now.)  But I've always been private about it.  Some if it is still really embarrassing.  At the request of many friends, I started this blog that as far as I can tell no one is reading and that's okay with me, fine, whatever.

It's a struggle for me to say things diplomatically and without wondering who I'm going to offend when I write each chapter.   The one I've spent the most time on is a chapter called 'This one is going to piss my friends off.'  I've rewritten it many times.  I don't want to tick anyone off.  But I want to say how I feel after years of being a people pleaser and doing what everyone else thought was best, I'm ready to just burst. And it's not against anyone. If anyone, my work is self-depreciating.  Which is hilarious because it's so easy as I'm a super great target to poke fun.  I mean, seriously people, I have messed up big.  And it's hysterical.

Either way, part of this growing older thing is me being more honest with myself and with others. I mean, I'm 30. I'm sick of playing by everyone's rules and living in the box.  If I have to watch my hair turn gray strand, by strand, then I'm going to do it with laughter and have fun. I don't think anyone should get a wrinkle before they decide what they want to be when they grow up, but that is the curse of time. And so much has been wasted and we only get to be here once. 

And I want to write this book. So I'm going to.

Have this talk TONIGHT!

Here's how you educate your kids on Heroin. You sit your young children (ages 9+) down tonight and tell them that if they try heroin once - they will die. Because in many cases - it will be true. They will be addicted after the first time and that path will lead to their death. The ONLY WAY to stop this monster is to start educating kids about it. No one else is going to do it for you. Do NOT rely on DARE or the school to tell your kids that drugs will kill them. Sit them down tonight and tell them that Heroin will kill them THE FIRST TIME they try it. Because in reality - it is killing them from Day 1. Heroin addicts are just burying their friends and waiting until their number is called. Do the hard stuff, parents. Be the bad guy. Check their phone. Meet their friends. Get in their business. Teach them coping skills so that they don't need drugs to escape. But if you do nothing else - Make sure they know that Heroine is a killer and not like anything this world has ever seen. They WILL DIE if they try it. Tell them if they go to public school or private school. Tell them if they are 8 or 18. Tell them if they play sports or if they play an instrument or if they play Minecraft. Tell them if they get good grades or if they struggle. Tell them and then remind them and remind them again. Scare them from ever wanting to try one drug - and you are saving their lives.

Windfall.

Real life conversation between me and my husband:

Me: "That's it! We are buying a lottery ticket. I am ready to win the lottery now. Let's play. $5. Tonight."
Matt: "Yes! It's time.  Let's win the lottery!"
Me: "Then we could enroll the kids in the BEST schools in Cincinnati and buy the Range Rover that I've decided I want. It's $140k to get it fully loaded and 90k for standard but I feel like we should go all out if we're going to get one."
Matt: "Definitely.  Let's go big or go home."
Me: "Where should we go on our first vacation?"
Matt: "Not sure, what do you think?"
Me: "Let's do a Disney Cruise for the kids over Spring break first. I mean, it's naïve, but it will be fun for them.
Matt:  "Yes. The kids are going to love that!"
Me: "And then you and I will fly to Italy for a week."
Matt: "Sounds Perfect."
Me: "Wait. No. I just... you know... I can't fly."
Matt: "You can fly to Italy!"
Me: "Not since I've won the lottery.  Because I feel like every time I fly, I am going to die because I have all this money that I didn't earn. I don't deserve the money so I'm going to die.  It's terrifying."
Matt:  "But we're doing charitable things. We're rebuilding the church and we DID donate the youth football field."
Me: "I know but I have a fancy Mink coat now and all these diamonds. I'm not DOING ENOUGH! I'm so selfish and for goodness sakes', I shop ALL day long."
Matt: "You're right. This money has gone straight to our heads!"
Me: "I know. It's ruining us.  This money is going to tear this family right apart!?  We have to do something!"
Matt: "As soon as we buy those tickets tonight, we are going to rip them up immediately so that it can never destroy us."
Me: "That's perfect."

The Mural experiment...

Matt and I are doing an art room in an extra room at our house. We decided to let the kids make a mural for the wall. The Project was "Draw what makes you happy".
The results:

Ethan aka The Brain: He drew a book and from the book comes the things he likes: A dinosaur, a volcano, his new glasses, his family, himself, art, and musical notes. 

Alivia aka The Heart: She drew a rainbow and descried it as her brain. She drew love birds, stars, herself, the sun, the names of her family, a computer, an umbrella, a dog, an hourglass, and a musical note.

Maddox aka We're unsure so far but leaning toward right wing nut job: He sat for half an hour before he would start. He watched everyone else get a head start and copied the things other people had: a rainbow, a volcano, the names of his family... and then he added a person on fire...so I don't know what's up with that. I should probably spend more time with him.

Mason aka The Show Off: He drew a picture of himself as a King in a castle and he listed his family members underneath in a way that I'm interpreting that we are his peasants.

 Ella aka The Baby: She drew people and lots of "words" and changed whom the people were each time I asked her. She gets a pass because she's cute!!

 

An artistic psychological experiment with our children because who better to experiment on than your children. 

 

The End of an Era.

I was not emotionally prepared to say goodbye to Seth Meyers on SNL yet. I sobbed and when Matt looked at me like I was insane, I told him, in between sobs, that he was seeing .0001% of what will happen to me when John Goodman dies.

Seth Meyers = Funny Man in picture box

 

 

I don't know what my attachment is to John Goodman but I'm irrationally afraid of his death. I don't want to live in a world without John Goodman. 

 



 

 

 

It's a PARTY! Mom!

Mason: "Moooooom! MOM! Mo-o-o-o-m! We HAVE to go this party at this place! I just heard about it and Mom! We have to go today!"
Me: "What party? What?"
Mason: "it's a...it's a GRAND OPENING!"
Me: "Where did you hear about this?"
Mason: "It's on the radio RIGHT NOW and Its at the new (Blah Blah) store and if we go, we get a free TV and a free OIL CHANGE! We have to go before 2 O'Clock! We have to to. It's going to be the best day of my life!"
Poor kid. I'm about to crush his free oil change dreams.