The Pretenders...

This is what I hear a lot.  ‘So-and-so pretends to have a perfect life on facebook.’  I hear this with my friends. I hear it on the radio. I read about it in blogs.  This ‘pretending’ that we are supposedly doing if we’re happy and we show it.  That irritates me.  I KNOW people probably say that about my posts.  I can hear them in my head.  They think I’m one of the pretenders.  I post photos of my kids all the time.  I post happy stories. I am a photo freak (just ask my muchly-annoyed family) and I am constantly posting about our everyday events and activities, which I’ll even admit is a little ‘Walton-Mountain’.  And we appear happy and loved and still I KNOW people will say that I’m  a pretender. A fake.  But you’d be wrong to think that. 

Here’s something that happened. A few years ago, I posted a quote that I found.  And it was something like ‘Loneliness is failed solitude.’  Or something along those lines, I can't even remember. And I received no less than 10 phone calls in the next 24 hours, not including texts, from friends and family members who were concerned about this insignificant Pinterest quote that I liked.  It was not a reflection of anything I wanted to say or passive-aggressively nod to anyone personally.   It was just a quote.  But it was different because it was negative and people were not used to that from me.  And that felt good because I realized 2 things.  

The first was that there are many people who care about what’s going on with me and who don’t like me to be upset.  And that was pretty awesome.

The second thing was that I realized because I DON’T post negative things all the time or post about my daily annoyances and irritations, the moment I DID post something that could have been considered negative – it alarmed people that something was wrong.  Because it never happens.  

It’s so strange that I would post something like that, someone literally saw it and called me at 1AM that night.  The next day, calls at 7, 9, and 10am and throughout the day.   People were concerned, or curious, and that was so strange to me. Because, in my mind, I was just ...‘liking a quote.’

I'll say this. If I have given anyone the impression that my life is perfect, let me clear it up quick. I’m just as bad as anyone.  I scream at my kids more than I should.  I’ve been laid off.  I’ve been so broke, I didn’t know how I was going to make it.  I have to fit into a Bridesmaid dress in 3 weeks that is one size too small and I'm freaking out about it! I have been sad and angry and even rarely bitchy. Just like you. Just like anyone.   I go to God with those issues, not facebook.

I want to remember the way my boys put their arms around each other for a picture.  I want to remember the silly things that they say later.  Facebook has been a journey of their young years and recording what they’ve accomplished (and what I have survived!)  I want to remember the way Matt and I looked with chop stick walrus faces in a Sushi restaurant.  I’m not 'bragging' about these things. If I never got another ‘like’ or comment in my life, that’d be fine with me.  I appreciate the encouragement that you all give me and I love my friends and family.  I’m not ‘pretending’ to be happy.  I’ve worked really hard to be happy.  And I really, truly am.   No pretending here…

  

Stuff and things and writer's block.

I am supposed to be working on my book but I've hit the wall. It's not that I've run out of insight and embarrassing, self deprecating stories about myself...it's just finding the right way to organize them.  I'm also trying to be sensitive to all the people in my life who deserve anonymity and even those who don't.   Writing 'with a voice' is difficult.  Also I'm battling feelings of self importance.  I ask myself daily 'Does anyone even need to read this stuff? Will anyone truly care?' and then the worst question for any writer, 'Will this end up in a dollar store bin?'.  (Shiver)

But then I meet people or see people who have read 'stuff' and they'll introduce me to family members like this, "Mom, this is girl I told you about. The one who should write a book."  I'm both embarrassed and thrilled in these moments.  The funny thing is, I didn't even make the creative writing team in 8th grade.  I will almost certainly release my much anticipated 3rd book to the teacher who deemed me not good enough to work on the yearbook in September 1998, but also accompanied me to State finals for a writing competition in the spring of 1999.

Anyway, writers block that probably has a lot to do with the fact that I'm working a lot harder now. I switched up jobs and I'm loving my new job.  I also loved my old job, well, I loved my coworkers but it was time for a change and it was much needed.  We also moved this summer which was a huge undertaking that I never want to experience again.  We moved a lot of stuff and things. I'm sick to death of stuff and things.  And yet, I got a better job and moved into a bigger house to have more space for my 'stuff and things'. (Sigh)

I'm trying to live minimalist lifestyle with a yard sale personality.

Speaking of yard sales, Matt and I love to go to them.  We used to go every weekend that the kids are at their others.  We collect so much stuff and things.  Almost our whole house is yard sale stuff and things. The worst, however,  is when you get to one and there's a man and woman sitting in their lawn chairs while they watch you go around their garage and judge the 13 crap items they've laid out for you to choose from.  It's fine to leave a yard sale with nothing as long as there are other people there to purchase.  If you're the only people at the home, judging their things, it feels weird to just decide that their old crap isn't good enough to be your new crap and you just awkwardly saunter to your car.  I even KNOW that they probably don't care but it's nearly painful for me to walk away from an empty yard sale with nothing. That's the worst.

The BEST are the ones with the happy old lady sisters who share your exact same style in corning dishware and are blowing it out cheap along side old tinted Pyrex serving ware.  And your arms are full of new stuff that you love and won't be paying more than $7 for today and you all just laugh in the midst of your excitement over their stuff and things and their excitement for my $7 like you're old friends.  These are the ones I bond with in 15 minutes and I have to resist hugging before I leave.

Staying on topic also seems to be an issue I'm having with my writing... I'll be back soon. 

The Fast and Furious...

So I go down to the courthouse to get sworn in this morning and on my way back on 32, there is an elderly lady in her car stopped on the exit looking scared. I pull over to help her and when I do, she starts moving again. So I go about my business following her on the highway and realizing in about 30 seconds something is severely wrong. She's not going above 20mph on 32 and she's weaving all over the road obviously terrified. I am laying on my horn the whole time to keep semi's and cars going 55mph from hitting her. She's riding the middle of the white line at times. I know it's terrifying for her but she's clearly very confused. She gets off on exits and back on 32. I'm talking to 911 trying to help them get to us and honking begging her to pull over while they transfer me jurisdiction to jurisdiction. Finally back in Batavia where we started, I waved a cop down frantically. He questioned her. She is 97 years old and on her way to the DMV to take her drivers test!!! That is the slowest high speed chase I've ever been a part of...

I can't let go of things...

I know that this argued to death in the 1990's but I feel the need to say it now. In season 3 episode 15, Ross cheats on Rachel with the Xerox girl. Then they fight for the next 7 years over if they were 'on a break' during the night due to their fight beforehand. In the first few moments of season 3 episode 16, Monica asks Rachel about her night and if they enjoyed celebrating their anniversary. Rachel replies 'We kind of broke-up instead.' She uses the word break-up. She didn't say 'We kind of took a break. So. Anyway. That settles that. I know none of you care like I do. But. I can't let go...

Giving my kids back their childhood.

Have you ever lied to your pediatrician about how many hours your kids watch television? I have.  I am embarrassed by how much time I've allowed my kids to sit in front of a television set. After making sure the twins didn't have access to television until they were 3 almost 4 years old, I immediately relented and used those extra moments to get things done.  It was a sigh of relief to hear the tune of 'Whooooooooo lives in a pineapple under the sea?'  It meant at least 11 minutes of freedom for myself.  'Me time.'

 

When I was a kid, I was outside all day.  I didn't want to be home. By the time I was in 4th grade, the same age as my oldest son, I was already traveling to the park miles away from my home crossing the busiest street in town against my Mother's rules (I was only hit by a car once!) and exploring the woods and crossing the creek on rocks and only rarely falling in.  I was alone back then a lot.  My siblings were older.  I didn't have to be out with a group of friends. I would imagine whole scenarios and just live them.  I was a princess. I was a cop. I was an Indian. I was whatever I wanted to be.

 

Some would be shocked that I wasn't drowned or murdered but I wasn't scared to leave the house at 10am and come back at 9pm grabbing food from wherever during the day.  And I'd call my mom from a friends house or a grocery store to check in, (remember pay phones?) but I was free.  It was the freest I'll ever be in life. It was wonderful. I was 10 or 11 years old. Life meant living.

 

I have 3 boys.  Ethan (9) and one of the twins, Maddox (6) have spent most of their time indoors. Mason (6) has my need to be outside and my curiosity of the open world.  I've known about the television issue for too long before I did something about it last week. My kids are addicted.  They love their video games, electronics, and satellite television with 14 different cartoon flavored channels.  And children's television, even Nickelodeon and Disney, can be disgusting for kids.  

 

Go ahead and turn on the television an imagine being a 5 year old. I bet within 2 minutes, you will hear something you find inappropriate for your own children.  Switch channels. Give it 2 minutes and the same thing will happen.  I should have turned off the television the first time Ethan came home from Kindergarten and told me he wanted to 'make out' with a 2nd grader on his bus.  When I asked him where he heard that, he said 'iCarly'.  I should have turned the television off then.

 

Ethan is not even bad.  It's harder with Maddox.  I don't know what Maddox enjoys.  I have a 6-year-old-boy and I don't even know what makes him happy because he's literally always stuck on something electronic. If you asked me what makes him smile, I would have said 'Anything with buttons.'   It's not that I don't try to talk to him. He doesn't have a lot to say.  I don't push because he gets frustrated easily so I let him do his thing. Which means he's far away from me a lot.  Mentally, emotionally, physically. I've always thrown this one out to others, 'Oh Maddox? He does his own thing.'  That's unacceptable for any family.  I needed a change. I craved a change. 

 

My feelings on television are that I could honestly live without it.  I'm a book nerd.  If no one else is home, the TV is rarely on anyway. I'm usually in a book or reading the internet or working. I have it because of sports, basically, and the kids. 

 

Spring had sprung with warmer weather last week and Matt and I have talked a lot about the boys and how to get them outside more. We compared notes of growing up and never wanting to be inside. That was punishment. We wanted to be out and free and on our bikes in our neighborhoods. We had similar backgrounds of play ground baseball games and homemade bike ramps.  So that led us to 'Why do the kids never want to leave the house?'  And we knew it was because of television. It's because of Xbox. It's because of tablets, computers, minecraft.  It's because as adults,  we are also obsessed by these things.  I'm ashamed to say I am one of the worst offenders. 

 

I made a decision to pack the Xbox away the minute the boys got to my house for the week and rushed inside, and searched for controllers before saying hello or wrapping me up in a hug after being at their Dad's for the week. I packed everything up and hid it away.  I explained to the boys that it's gone. For the summer. there will be no video games in our house.  And the weather was nice that day, so when they picked up the remote, I took it away and said, 'No. Go outside.  We have a trampoline, a basketball hoop, scooters for everyone, toys for days, etc.  Get outside.'  And they stared at me and then each other, and then they went outside.  And I could hear them laughing as I loaded the dishwasher.  It was wonderful. 

 

So when I woke up the next morning, I reiterated again that there would be no television, computer, tablets, etc until 7pm. They would have an hour to watch television before bed. And they didn't argue.  They just accepted it.  And they played together again. All day. The next day, it rained, but I didn't relent.  So they found board games and they spent time drawing and writing all day.  And I spent more time with them.  We talked more.  We played catch.  We enjoyed each other's company. There's more hugs, more talking, more brotherhood, better parenting, and more understanding. So I did it again today.  And I'll do it again tomorrow. 

 

Maddox, who I really thought would melt down after I took his favorite thing in the world away: His Xbox, he just looked sad for a few minutes.  He has asked to watch television a couple times during the day and I only caught him sneaking it in his room once.  He's doing okay. This is a big adjustment for them, but they are handling it so well. I'm so proud of them. Every day that goes by, I end the night pleasantly surprised that I did it again.  And I know it's the right thing because honestly - everyone is actually happier.

 

It's absolutely true. My kids are happier. They've spent so much time bonding over the last few days.  There's less fighting.  There's more cooperation.  They work together now on things and they talk all day long to each other. The more I see what's happening with my kids, the more poisonous I believe television is for kids.  My eyes are opened. 

 

And it's not just me.  I posted on facebook and some parents took an interest. They have written to me and have been inspired to give their kids back their childhood which I think is awesome!  I know one day these kids will all say this, 'The best thing my parents every did for me was turn off the television.'  I know that to be true.  I've never looked back fondly on my childhood remembering the great television I watched.  I think back to playing hoops in an alley behind a friend's house no-blood-no-foul-style. I remember flashlight tag in the dark.  I reminisce exploring the woods and carving my name into a tree.  I want that for my children.  I want experiences, exploration, and education. I want a life lived well.

 

What will our kids remember? 

 

 

You should see what happens when you give kids back their childhood.  It's a beautiful thing. 



Netflix has decided that I'm a Lesbian.

I don't even know...

Things I shouldn't say.

I once worked with a douchebag banker who said that men were like a good investment because they became more distinguished and more valuable with time. And women were like a bad stock - the minute you bought them, they would plummet in worth. Ugh.  Eff you, banker man. I still distrust a man in a peacoat to this day over that conversation.  I sincerely hope he got married and his new wife ceased all BJs immediately.

I went through my midlife crisis when I turned 23. That will surprise many of you but turning 23 was hard for me.  I remember laying in bed for a week with the shades drawn shut and leaving a super depressing voicemail greeting that made people stop by and check on me. I always appreciated my youth and started mourning it even at 15 years old. 

But now, I'm 30. And F%*# it!   That's what Matt has called this past year for me, 'The-F%*#-it-I'm-30' year.  I really grew a pair in recent months and it's been nice to finally say the things that piss me off that I've hidden behind pleasantries for years before.  And...there was a lot I needed to say.

All off this cumulated in me starting a book called 'Things I shouldn't say'.   That's a working title, mind you, but it's pretty much accurate so far.  And everyone is a little frightened by what the book will say.  Only 2 people have read my first few chapters. One is my husband, who loves my writing and has always encouraged me but  I can clearly see veiled concerned about his mother learning about MY first traumatic tampon experience.  And there's a really awesome girl at work that I love, named Missy, who has read it.  And her only advice was to think of more creative synonyms to express the sentiment of a boner.  So far, things are going pretty well. 

Writing has always been path since my 'sad teenage girl poem' days. (Remember those guys!? Shoot me, now.)  But I've always been private about it.  Some if it is still really embarrassing.  At the request of many friends, I started this blog that as far as I can tell no one is reading and that's okay with me, fine, whatever.

It's a struggle for me to say things diplomatically and without wondering who I'm going to offend when I write each chapter.   The one I've spent the most time on is a chapter called 'This one is going to piss my friends off.'  I've rewritten it many times.  I don't want to tick anyone off.  But I want to say how I feel after years of being a people pleaser and doing what everyone else thought was best, I'm ready to just burst. And it's not against anyone. If anyone, my work is self-depreciating.  Which is hilarious because it's so easy as I'm a super great target to poke fun.  I mean, seriously people, I have messed up big.  And it's hysterical.

Either way, part of this growing older thing is me being more honest with myself and with others. I mean, I'm 30. I'm sick of playing by everyone's rules and living in the box.  If I have to watch my hair turn gray strand, by strand, then I'm going to do it with laughter and have fun. I don't think anyone should get a wrinkle before they decide what they want to be when they grow up, but that is the curse of time. And so much has been wasted and we only get to be here once. 

And I want to write this book. So I'm going to.