My Fail Blog.

Ugh. I know I'm failing at the blog task.  I'm trying to write  a book. All good ideas are going in there.  And then rewritten. And then deemed not worthy. And then kicked to the side.  And then I drink and question why in the world I ever decided to write and publish a book. And then my husband reminds me that I should keep writing and fulfill that dream.  And then I start the process all over again.

There are many things I fail at other than blogging:

1. Math.  I am so terrible at Math that I can't help my 5th grader with his homework. I've been told to not even look at it.  I have always been bad at Math.  Since 9th grade, any time a Math test has been laid down in front of me, it has resulted in immediate sweating and nausea and doodles of cats around the edges of the paper.  I don't Math.  And now they are teaching a common core style of Math that I can't really help my first graders either.  It looks like Chinese to me.  CHINESE! If someone tells you to find the double down in the number sentence, you're going to want to punch them in the face, I promise.

2. Organization.  My 3rd grade teacher told me my desk looked like Rumpke and she was right. It still does but I can find anything I need. I enjoy disorganization where I work.  Besides in my home, I am nervous about anything with a pristine, polished look.  It doesn't make a lot of sense because I'm a Capricorn and I allegedly thrive on organization.  I do love office supplies but I don't use them properly.  A lot of my post-its are rolled up and taped so that I can build lincoln log cabins with them when I'm bored.  I save all the other post-its in a drawer. Yes. I have a post-it drawer.  You never know when I might need that phone number of that one client, that one time.  My other drawer is full of mail I don't want to open at work.

3. Keeping my cool.  I could never be a 911 operator. In my head, full of SNL Skits that I'm constantly writing, I have a hilarious one that is based on around this premise. (Don't steal that NBC, I will crush you with a lawsuit.)  When I imagine teaching my children how to drive, it starts with me screaming this sentence, 'THIS IS A GIANT DEATH MACHINE!'  To say the least, I'm not allowed to teach the children Math or how to drive.  This also goes for situations that upset me like bad customer service.  There's actually a Goodwill in my city that I was escorted out by security and told not to return to.  There's actually a few places I'm not allowed to go anymore.  The older I am, the better I do at keeping my cool, but I'm not quite where I want to be yet.

This is just a small number of things.  I'll save the rest for you to wonder about on your own time. Just kidding. Please don't wonder about me on your alone time.  That's creepy...which happens to be another thing I'm no good at: Not being creepy. I was born this way, baby.

Elf on a freaking shelf.

I don't "Elf on a shelf." I'm not that Mom. Props to those who can keep it together to do that.  This summer, I coached Masons baseball team and during the second inning of one game, I ran off the field because just then I realized that I forgot to pick him up and bring him to the game.  So no. I don't Elf on a shelf.  I barely make it through the day.

Our tooth fairy also has a lot of union holidays and I already ate all the advent candy before Christmas.

Uncorked

Something about this moment struck me as ridiculously funny.   I'm not sure If it's uncorking the bottle in the bath or the fact that I'm not even going to bother with a glass...

Fish-o-Matic

This is going to be a rangent.  (I put rant and tangent together...see what I did there?) 

I always see infomercials for things I wish I would have thought of (example pillowpets, snuggies, those seatbelt huggy friends, or those snack - drink cup combo deals.)  I always say "Ugh! WHY didn't I come up with that? Who doesn't need a sippy cup that doubles as a bowl while on a long drive in the car whilst you wear your snuggies and hug your seatbelt pal?!?" 

So I said THE next issue I have, I'm going to find a way to invent the thing that fixes my issue.  Tonight,  because I didn't properly grocery shop this weekend, I'm making fish sticks which are, questionable, at best.  

Anyway half way through the 19 minute process, I'm supposed to turn 25 fishsticks to 'the other side'.  Fine.

Have you ever opened an oven and pulled out the rack and turned 25 fish sticks one by one with heat radiating your face off while trying to avoid getting burnt AGAIN?!. By the end, seriously,  I was just stabbing fish sticks.  It was a Nemo slaughter.  Just so mad and frustrated. 
It was my infomercial moment.

"Can't get those questionable fishsticks you don't remember buying this decade to turn?! Feeling hot, burned, and stabby?! Try the Fish-o-matic!"

I need to create something that will do this for me. Would you buy it for 11.99 plus shipping and handling?! What if I threw in a free shot glass? WHAT if I DOUBLED your order?!?

How to go to Disney World

Rabbit! Rabbit!

When I was kid, Nickelodeon used to tell us on the last day of the month that ‘Tomorrow is Rabbit! Rabbit! Day’ which means you were supposed to wake up and the first words out of your mouth should be ‘Rabbit, Rabbit’ for 31 one days of Good Luck. (Raise your hand if you remember this.) I ALWAYS think of this on the last day of the month because I’m superstitious. I have not ONCE remembered to say it the next morning which means I have 18 years of attempted and failed Rabbit! Rabbit! Days. So whatever you did wrong today, you’re still okay. You didn’t fail roughly 216 times. Keep on keepin’ on…

The Pretenders...

This is what I hear a lot.  ‘So-and-so pretends to have a perfect life on facebook.’  I hear this with my friends. I hear it on the radio. I read about it in blogs.  This ‘pretending’ that we are supposedly doing if we’re happy and we show it.  That irritates me.  I KNOW people probably say that about my posts.  I can hear them in my head.  They think I’m one of the pretenders.  I post photos of my kids all the time.  I post happy stories. I am a photo freak (just ask my muchly-annoyed family) and I am constantly posting about our everyday events and activities, which I’ll even admit is a little ‘Walton-Mountain’.  And we appear happy and loved and still I KNOW people will say that I’m  a pretender. A fake.  But you’d be wrong to think that. 

Here’s something that happened. A few years ago, I posted a quote that I found.  And it was something like ‘Loneliness is failed solitude.’  Or something along those lines, I can't even remember. And I received no less than 10 phone calls in the next 24 hours, not including texts, from friends and family members who were concerned about this insignificant Pinterest quote that I liked.  It was not a reflection of anything I wanted to say or passive-aggressively nod to anyone personally.   It was just a quote.  But it was different because it was negative and people were not used to that from me.  And that felt good because I realized 2 things.  

The first was that there are many people who care about what’s going on with me and who don’t like me to be upset.  And that was pretty awesome.

The second thing was that I realized because I DON’T post negative things all the time or post about my daily annoyances and irritations, the moment I DID post something that could have been considered negative – it alarmed people that something was wrong.  Because it never happens.  

It’s so strange that I would post something like that, someone literally saw it and called me at 1AM that night.  The next day, calls at 7, 9, and 10am and throughout the day.   People were concerned, or curious, and that was so strange to me. Because, in my mind, I was just ...‘liking a quote.’

I'll say this. If I have given anyone the impression that my life is perfect, let me clear it up quick. I’m just as bad as anyone.  I scream at my kids more than I should.  I’ve been laid off.  I’ve been so broke, I didn’t know how I was going to make it.  I have to fit into a Bridesmaid dress in 3 weeks that is one size too small and I'm freaking out about it! I have been sad and angry and even rarely bitchy. Just like you. Just like anyone.   I go to God with those issues, not facebook.

I want to remember the way my boys put their arms around each other for a picture.  I want to remember the silly things that they say later.  Facebook has been a journey of their young years and recording what they’ve accomplished (and what I have survived!)  I want to remember the way Matt and I looked with chop stick walrus faces in a Sushi restaurant.  I’m not 'bragging' about these things. If I never got another ‘like’ or comment in my life, that’d be fine with me.  I appreciate the encouragement that you all give me and I love my friends and family.  I’m not ‘pretending’ to be happy.  I’ve worked really hard to be happy.  And I really, truly am.   No pretending here…