Elf on a freaking shelf.

I don't "Elf on a shelf." I'm not that Mom. Props to those who can keep it together to do that.  This summer, I coached Masons baseball team and during the second inning of one game, I ran off the field because just then I realized that I forgot to pick him up and bring him to the game.  So no. I don't Elf on a shelf.  I barely make it through the day.

Our tooth fairy also has a lot of union holidays and I already ate all the advent candy before Christmas.

Uncorked

Something about this moment struck me as ridiculously funny.   I'm not sure If it's uncorking the bottle in the bath or the fact that I'm not even going to bother with a glass...

Fish-o-Matic

This is going to be a rangent.  (I put rant and tangent together...see what I did there?) 

I always see infomercials for things I wish I would have thought of (example pillowpets, snuggies, those seatbelt huggy friends, or those snack - drink cup combo deals.)  I always say "Ugh! WHY didn't I come up with that? Who doesn't need a sippy cup that doubles as a bowl while on a long drive in the car whilst you wear your snuggies and hug your seatbelt pal?!?" 

So I said THE next issue I have, I'm going to find a way to invent the thing that fixes my issue.  Tonight,  because I didn't properly grocery shop this weekend, I'm making fish sticks which are, questionable, at best.  

Anyway half way through the 19 minute process, I'm supposed to turn 25 fishsticks to 'the other side'.  Fine.

Have you ever opened an oven and pulled out the rack and turned 25 fish sticks one by one with heat radiating your face off while trying to avoid getting burnt AGAIN?!. By the end, seriously,  I was just stabbing fish sticks.  It was a Nemo slaughter.  Just so mad and frustrated. 
It was my infomercial moment.

"Can't get those questionable fishsticks you don't remember buying this decade to turn?! Feeling hot, burned, and stabby?! Try the Fish-o-matic!"

I need to create something that will do this for me. Would you buy it for 11.99 plus shipping and handling?! What if I threw in a free shot glass? WHAT if I DOUBLED your order?!?

How to go to Disney World

Rabbit! Rabbit!

When I was kid, Nickelodeon used to tell us on the last day of the month that ‘Tomorrow is Rabbit! Rabbit! Day’ which means you were supposed to wake up and the first words out of your mouth should be ‘Rabbit, Rabbit’ for 31 one days of Good Luck. (Raise your hand if you remember this.) I ALWAYS think of this on the last day of the month because I’m superstitious. I have not ONCE remembered to say it the next morning which means I have 18 years of attempted and failed Rabbit! Rabbit! Days. So whatever you did wrong today, you’re still okay. You didn’t fail roughly 216 times. Keep on keepin’ on…

The Pretenders...

This is what I hear a lot.  ‘So-and-so pretends to have a perfect life on facebook.’  I hear this with my friends. I hear it on the radio. I read about it in blogs.  This ‘pretending’ that we are supposedly doing if we’re happy and we show it.  That irritates me.  I KNOW people probably say that about my posts.  I can hear them in my head.  They think I’m one of the pretenders.  I post photos of my kids all the time.  I post happy stories. I am a photo freak (just ask my muchly-annoyed family) and I am constantly posting about our everyday events and activities, which I’ll even admit is a little ‘Walton-Mountain’.  And we appear happy and loved and still I KNOW people will say that I’m  a pretender. A fake.  But you’d be wrong to think that. 

Here’s something that happened. A few years ago, I posted a quote that I found.  And it was something like ‘Loneliness is failed solitude.’  Or something along those lines, I can't even remember. And I received no less than 10 phone calls in the next 24 hours, not including texts, from friends and family members who were concerned about this insignificant Pinterest quote that I liked.  It was not a reflection of anything I wanted to say or passive-aggressively nod to anyone personally.   It was just a quote.  But it was different because it was negative and people were not used to that from me.  And that felt good because I realized 2 things.  

The first was that there are many people who care about what’s going on with me and who don’t like me to be upset.  And that was pretty awesome.

The second thing was that I realized because I DON’T post negative things all the time or post about my daily annoyances and irritations, the moment I DID post something that could have been considered negative – it alarmed people that something was wrong.  Because it never happens.  

It’s so strange that I would post something like that, someone literally saw it and called me at 1AM that night.  The next day, calls at 7, 9, and 10am and throughout the day.   People were concerned, or curious, and that was so strange to me. Because, in my mind, I was just ...‘liking a quote.’

I'll say this. If I have given anyone the impression that my life is perfect, let me clear it up quick. I’m just as bad as anyone.  I scream at my kids more than I should.  I’ve been laid off.  I’ve been so broke, I didn’t know how I was going to make it.  I have to fit into a Bridesmaid dress in 3 weeks that is one size too small and I'm freaking out about it! I have been sad and angry and even rarely bitchy. Just like you. Just like anyone.   I go to God with those issues, not facebook.

I want to remember the way my boys put their arms around each other for a picture.  I want to remember the silly things that they say later.  Facebook has been a journey of their young years and recording what they’ve accomplished (and what I have survived!)  I want to remember the way Matt and I looked with chop stick walrus faces in a Sushi restaurant.  I’m not 'bragging' about these things. If I never got another ‘like’ or comment in my life, that’d be fine with me.  I appreciate the encouragement that you all give me and I love my friends and family.  I’m not ‘pretending’ to be happy.  I’ve worked really hard to be happy.  And I really, truly am.   No pretending here…

  

Stuff and things and writer's block.

I am supposed to be working on my book but I've hit the wall. It's not that I've run out of insight and embarrassing, self deprecating stories about myself...it's just finding the right way to organize them.  I'm also trying to be sensitive to all the people in my life who deserve anonymity and even those who don't.   Writing 'with a voice' is difficult.  Also I'm battling feelings of self importance.  I ask myself daily 'Does anyone even need to read this stuff? Will anyone truly care?' and then the worst question for any writer, 'Will this end up in a dollar store bin?'.  (Shiver)

But then I meet people or see people who have read 'stuff' and they'll introduce me to family members like this, "Mom, this is girl I told you about. The one who should write a book."  I'm both embarrassed and thrilled in these moments.  The funny thing is, I didn't even make the creative writing team in 8th grade.  I will almost certainly release my much anticipated 3rd book to the teacher who deemed me not good enough to work on the yearbook in September 1998, but also accompanied me to State finals for a writing competition in the spring of 1999.

Anyway, writers block that probably has a lot to do with the fact that I'm working a lot harder now. I switched up jobs and I'm loving my new job.  I also loved my old job, well, I loved my coworkers but it was time for a change and it was much needed.  We also moved this summer which was a huge undertaking that I never want to experience again.  We moved a lot of stuff and things. I'm sick to death of stuff and things.  And yet, I got a better job and moved into a bigger house to have more space for my 'stuff and things'. (Sigh)

I'm trying to live minimalist lifestyle with a yard sale personality.

Speaking of yard sales, Matt and I love to go to them.  We used to go every weekend that the kids are at their others.  We collect so much stuff and things.  Almost our whole house is yard sale stuff and things. The worst, however,  is when you get to one and there's a man and woman sitting in their lawn chairs while they watch you go around their garage and judge the 13 crap items they've laid out for you to choose from.  It's fine to leave a yard sale with nothing as long as there are other people there to purchase.  If you're the only people at the home, judging their things, it feels weird to just decide that their old crap isn't good enough to be your new crap and you just awkwardly saunter to your car.  I even KNOW that they probably don't care but it's nearly painful for me to walk away from an empty yard sale with nothing. That's the worst.

The BEST are the ones with the happy old lady sisters who share your exact same style in corning dishware and are blowing it out cheap along side old tinted Pyrex serving ware.  And your arms are full of new stuff that you love and won't be paying more than $7 for today and you all just laugh in the midst of your excitement over their stuff and things and their excitement for my $7 like you're old friends.  These are the ones I bond with in 15 minutes and I have to resist hugging before I leave.

Staying on topic also seems to be an issue I'm having with my writing... I'll be back soon.