Santa Who?

My grandma: "They are almost 4 years old‐ what do you mean you haven't told them who Santa Claus is?!?"

Me: "Well I've been screaming at them for 3 straight years...the subject never came up!"

It's just an easier conversation to have...

Ethan: "Mom, do our bodies go to heaven too? Or just our souls?"

Me: "...Did I ever tell you where babies come from?" 

Good Morning. I guess.

Woke at 7am: Maddox and Mason woke up in the middle of the night and had themselves a party downstairs. It was like The Hangover for Babies. Flooded my kitchen, took out all
kitchen appliances plugged them into various outlets around the house, tried to microwave
unmicrowavable items, ate half a large can of lemonade powder, ran the vacuum for a few hours, oven and stove on, cut Masons hair and more... 

A situation

Theoretically, if some girl was waxing her eyebrows, was distracted by her kids, and happened to take half of one eyebrow off ... where would this this hypothetical girl find faux eyebrow hair to glue back on? I mean...what would this not real girl do in this imagined situation? Please tell me...

Oy.

This morning, I paid for gas and then accidentally forgot to pump it. I bet they don't see that very often. 

This is how I know...

Do you know how I know I've had a great life? Because I can't count how many times diet coke has come out of my nose from laughing hard after a drink... 

It's the...thought that counts

 

So a co‐worker  is about to become a grandmother for the first time. A month ago when she found out it was a boy, I picked up this really pretty and intricate snow globe from Hallmark that plays the most beautiful tune. Inside a little boy praying. I gave it to her today and she unwraps it and pulls it out of the box and...the boy is headless and its head is as the rolling around at the bottom as it spins and plays a lovely tune. Not a good effect. 

Mute is your friend.

Lesson of the day: If you dial into a company wide conference call at lunch,

remember to mute your phone before you speak freely for 5 minutes...

Pinky and The Brain

While we were sleeping the twins went around and unscrewed the light bulbs in the hotel room. I'd like to be clued in on their master plan to take over. 

Tiger's Blood.

I knew when I downloaded that Charlie Sheen ringtone that one day it would go off during a client meeting and yet I did nothing to prevent it!?!

Kids. Pffft.

Ethan: "Mommy. Aren't you on a diet? How can you drink Coke?"

Me: (annoyed) "Because it's DIIIIEEET Coke.. you can drink it on a diet."

Ethan: "Oh ok....... So...is that diet chocolate that you're eating?"

I have a dream.

I had a dream last night that I was on Capitol Hill having a very important meeting with members of the House where I made them all see eye to eye about the important issues and saved the country from partisan misery. It was awesome. Then we got a keg and celebrated. John Boehner doing a keg stand...classic!