I recently received the results of an evaluation that indicated that Lorelai is struggling with communication and problem solving based on some information I filled out when she was 8 weeks old.
First off, allow me to apologize. Had I known that this was an actual evaluation, I would not have filled it out at a red light one morning as I was running late to work on my 2nd day back from maternity leave. I would have taken my time to think about the questions and my responses and probably would have lied anyway to make sure she got off on the right foot with the people who are blessed enough get to spend more time with her than I do.
I want to say how glad I am that I am not a first time mother. If I would have been a first time mom and received information stating my child has 2 areas of concerns and would be receiving additonal help at daycare, I might have been crazy enough in my anxious post-partum state to go right to Sylvan Learning Centers and requested newborn tutoring for the small price of 1K a month. I am nervous and bad with money like that.
Luckily, I have lots of kids; one of which sat very still like a lump of cute baby doing little more than very loud mouth-breathing for the first 6 months of his life.
Spoiler Alert: He turned out just fine...mostly fine.
I hear you loud and clear educators of newborn babies. I did not realize she was attending daycare with the love children of Stephen Hawking and Oprah. To advance her to the appropriate level of newborn intelligence, I have decided to put Lorelai on a very tight schedule of activities to expand her mind. This Tiger mom is going to earn her stripes.
Lorelai on a conference call with marketing.
Lorelai writing her memoirs.
Lorelai preparing for end times.
Not pictured: Lorelai being cultured.
(I was going to have her Dad photoshop her in a balcony at the Metropolitan Opera House but he thinks I am being "a little dramatic" about the whole thing. He didn't come out and say that, but I can tell he is thinking it.)
As for specifics, I agree that her communication skills need work. She doesn't conjugate her verbs correctly AT ALL. Her vocabularly is... circumscribed. She mainly just screeches like a pissed off pterodactyl. She can be a real crybaby, frankly. We will continue to work on that at home. We are still deciding on our second language. Would you recommend Mandarin or Spanish? I am not sure who is taking over first. The Bank of China or the cartels down south? We just want her to be prepared.
Problem solving? Yeah. That needs some work. Between you and me, I have seen her, on more than one occasion, pull her own hair...and then CRY over it. It is like her cute and tiny brain sees zero correlation between cause and effect. Does Toys R Us stock reasoning? What isle can I find some logic, am I right?! Honestly, this one is a little more than I care to tackle right now. I am a busy, working mother and we are going to focus on that whole 'poopin' in your pants' thing first.
I guess some blame lies with us. We were prepared for her to lack any aptitude for mathematics. Her father and I both count with our fingers still. I am embarrassed to say that she has seen Sharknado way more times than any 2 month old should have thanks to quality time with her three older brothers. I will be sure to speak with them. Despite some difficult taste in cinema, they are quite intelligent which is why I am confident Lorelai will catch up to the more advanced newborns under your care.
Thank you for your time and understanding,
Lorelai's Mom.
