Seriously!? Get OUT!

I'm trying to avoid the walk of shame and this girl will not leave the bathroom mirror where she was doing her make-up during the worst bathroom concert I have ever given! Seriously get out so I don't have to look you in your eye while I wash my hands! It's been 15 min and I'm trapped! How much make-up does she need?! Get OUT!

And then there's this.

One of the things I always wanted to do but sadly never will is join the Army.
The Dream:  I'm a complete bad ass on the front lines.  I have a gun, but am an excellent H2H combat fighter.   I'm both a sniper and a helicopter pilot and I'm always wearing aviators.  That's the dream.

Reality: I would hear a gun shot and start screaming hysterically and crying and freaking out and the Army would send me home with a note pinned to my shirt that said 'Thanks for trying out'... Just like 7th grade Volleyball.

The Clean Plate Club.

Ah... it's New Years week and Sauerkraut is in the air. 

 

When I was a kid, my Mom was CRAZY about finishing our plate. We heard about starving kids from China, Africa, Bosnia, Planet Zorg, wherever. We MUST finish what we were served. When I was 4, my mom served me Sauerkraut on New Years. 

 

Immediately upon smelling it, my nose hairs inflamed and burned off and I refused to eat it. I can remember ...we had bright orange 80's curtains. I remember because I got to stare at them for hours as I was 'not allowed to leave the table until my bowl was empty.' You have to understand how serious this rule was. My Mom told me that the Janitor at Kindergarten WAS PAID to watch me eat the vegetables she packed. To this day, I'm uncomfortable around custodians. I never went to recess after lunch and halfway through the year, the teacher wrote a note to my Mom that I had no friends because I wouldn't leave the lunch table. 

 

It may appear that I'm a normal, smiling, happy 6 year old, but that's just because of my very cool neon puffy paint suspender outfit... I'm really dying inside as I feel trapped by the Janitor and unable to enjoy recess as a normal Kindergartener. 

 

When she asked me about why I had no friends and why I wouldn't go to recess, I cried and said 'The janitor watches me and I can't finish my carrot sticks' She backed up her wicked stance on The Clean Plate Club. But this was pre-lonely-lunch-table-kindergartener and it was on. Me VS the single worst imaginable substance for a child to be forced to eat. After 2 hours of staring at Orange curtains, I was hit with the perfect stroke of genius. I took my spoon and filled it with sauerkraut and launched it at the ceiling. It stuck! VICTORY. In about 4 minutes, the entire ceiling, and I'll admit my aim was off, the walls, the appliances, and the ugly orange curtains were filled with sauerkraut. And my bowl was empty! It was more fun than I had imagined so I just took handfuls out of the pan and kept up with my German heritage celebration. I will never forget my Moms face when it finally wafted to the living room and she came in and saw what I had done.

 

A real life dramatization of my Mom during pretty true events that I remember kinda well as a 4 year old child.

 

 

  I don't mean to imply that her head spun completely around, but when I was first watched the exorcist, I was the least scared person in the room. I spent New Years 1989 NOT looking forward to the end of the cold war, but instead cleaning up sauerkraut off the walls. Hail to the Victor though, she never made that crap again!