Things I shouldn't say.

I once worked with a douchebag banker who said that men were like a good investment because they became more distinguished and more valuable with time. And women were like a bad stock - the minute you bought them, they would plummet in worth. Ugh.  Eff you, banker man. I still distrust a man in a peacoat to this day over that conversation.  I sincerely hope he got married and his new wife ceased all BJs immediately.

I went through my midlife crisis when I turned 23. That will surprise many of you but turning 23 was hard for me.  I remember laying in bed for a week with the shades drawn shut and leaving a super depressing voicemail greeting that made people stop by and check on me. I always appreciated my youth and started mourning it even at 15 years old. 

But now, I'm 30. And F%*# it!   That's what Matt has called this past year for me, 'The-F%*#-it-I'm-30' year.  I really grew a pair in recent months and it's been nice to finally say the things that piss me off that I've hidden behind pleasantries for years before.  And...there was a lot I needed to say.

All off this cumulated in me starting a book called 'Things I shouldn't say'.   That's a working title, mind you, but it's pretty much accurate so far.  And everyone is a little frightened by what the book will say.  Only 2 people have read my first few chapters. One is my husband, who loves my writing and has always encouraged me but  I can clearly see veiled concerned about his mother learning about MY first traumatic tampon experience.  And there's a really awesome girl at work that I love, named Missy, who has read it.  And her only advice was to think of more creative synonyms to express the sentiment of a boner.  So far, things are going pretty well. 

Writing has always been path since my 'sad teenage girl poem' days. (Remember those guys!? Shoot me, now.)  But I've always been private about it.  Some if it is still really embarrassing.  At the request of many friends, I started this blog that as far as I can tell no one is reading and that's okay with me, fine, whatever.

It's a struggle for me to say things diplomatically and without wondering who I'm going to offend when I write each chapter.   The one I've spent the most time on is a chapter called 'This one is going to piss my friends off.'  I've rewritten it many times.  I don't want to tick anyone off.  But I want to say how I feel after years of being a people pleaser and doing what everyone else thought was best, I'm ready to just burst. And it's not against anyone. If anyone, my work is self-depreciating.  Which is hilarious because it's so easy as I'm a super great target to poke fun.  I mean, seriously people, I have messed up big.  And it's hysterical.

Either way, part of this growing older thing is me being more honest with myself and with others. I mean, I'm 30. I'm sick of playing by everyone's rules and living in the box.  If I have to watch my hair turn gray strand, by strand, then I'm going to do it with laughter and have fun. I don't think anyone should get a wrinkle before they decide what they want to be when they grow up, but that is the curse of time. And so much has been wasted and we only get to be here once. 

And I want to write this book. So I'm going to.